When A Good Vacation Goes Bad
by CatLady4
Summary: The results of the investigation are in. Attached are the supporting documents that prove one Elmyra Pundur was trapped in a Tolkien book, The Hobbit. No one should have to suffer such indignities. We may have to sue!
1. Chapter 1

I have no idea where this came from. I thought of it late one night. Oh, how I wish TFA existed. After I wrote it, I realized that Elmyra had a much bigger tale to tell so I wrote that too! It is on Fanfiction as **The Reluctant Burglar. **If you enjoy this, check it out.

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_(Note: The attached missive was recovered from a shattered Transition Device soon after Tolkien Fantasy Adventures, LTD. began investigating the changes to "The Hobbit". Our firm, Biddlesmith and Monkberry instituted our own search on behalf of our client when she had not returned from her "Hobbit Holiday" and retain all rights and privileges, secrecy and quiet stuff we are entitled to. DO NOT SHARE WITH ANYONE. YOUR EYES ONLY, AMANDA! AB. esq)_

To: Algernon Biddlesmith, Esquire

Biddlesmith and Monkberry, Attorneys at Law

RE: Tolkien Fantasy Adventures, LLC

From: Elmyra Pundur

Dearest Algernon,

I do not know if you will ever receive this, but I wanted to jot down a few notes for a lawsuit I may wish to have you file on my behalf. As you know, I recently turned the big 5-0 and I wanted to reward myself. Since it is the bicentennial of the publication of 'The Hobbit', I decided to indulge my inner Tolkien and go on one of the new adventures that are so heavily advertised these days.

I chose "Hobbit Holiday" from the catalog. It is advertised (and I quote): "A gentle holiday in Hobbiton! Come and see where Bilbo lives, visit the Green Dragon, and meet the dwarves!" It was rated N for Newby. I have never done one of these Book Transitions and it seemed a good, safe place to start.

I must say, I did enjoy the "Hobbit Holiday"! I got to do everything mentioned. I even took a side trip to the South Farthing to see how pipe weed is grown. Most interesting. However, things took an unpleasant turn after "Dinner with The Dwarves". I thought I would be Transitioning after the dinner. Imagine my surprise when I awoke to find myself "Riding the Ponies"! I seemed to have gotten a bad download on the Transition Device.

Where before it showed "Hobbit Holiday" and "Home", the itinerary now listed things like "Trouble with Trolls", "Running, Running, Running," and "Night with an Elf". I tried the "Abort" features numerous times without success.

That evening, as you might expect, we had "Trouble with Trolls". NOT Recommended in my opinion for anyone with the least sense of smell. Trolls and their hoard are without a doubt the smelliest things I have ever experienced! I did manage to gain a nice souvenir sword from the hoard. Gandalf picked out one of the medium ones for me. Only two pounds, he said. Nice and lightweight, he said. Easy to use, he said. Let me tell you, after "Running, Running, Running" and holding the damn thing at arm's length for an hour, two pounds is NOT lightweight! _(that's for you, Borys, if you're reading….tee hee, I even corrected it this time around!)_

I will say I quite enjoyed "Night with an Elf". I was much too shy to purchase it on my own, but when faced with the opportunity, well, let me just say: WOW! A most pleasant experience. Afterwards, I noticed "In the Company of Dwarves" had appeared in the catalog list. That might be a bit much!

Anyway, "A Weekend in Rivendell" is another 'Don't Miss' in my opinion. Very relaxing. Perhaps a little too singy for some, but I enjoyed it for two days. More than that just might take me a bit bored. After this is where the lawsuit issues begin to arise. Other than the Trolls, and there I have to admit to hiding in the woods as Bilbo and the Dwarves did their thing, the adventure had not been too taxing. Of course, there was the foul language Oakenshield kept using during "Running, Running, Running". I really think that could be toned down a bit. I did the best I could, but I'm no spring chicken! Yelling does not make one run a whole lot faster, dwarf!

The next item in the catalog had morphed into "Rocking with Stone Giants". While I am not afraid of heights with a nice, solid railing between me and death, I was most displeased to have to go through this section. It was wet, it was cold, it was walking along a very narrow path high on the side of a mountain with Stone Giants heaving boulders at each other. As you will discover, this was rated "OMG Extreme" in the catalog. I feel I deserve compensation for the negligence of Tolkien Fantasy Adventures for not having more fail safes. The abort button still did not work. Believe me, I tried. A few hundred times.

Anyway, I did manage to survive (obviously) but not without a few extra gray hairs. (Please make a note to add lifetime hair dye to the settlement amount). Next up was "Whips, Chains and the Great Goblin". I frantically combed through my 'Tolkien Fantasy Adventure Upgraded Version Survival Kit' to find anything of use. Thank Heaven I got it because this is the only one with the "Orc Repellent Shield". It's a nifty thin suit you wear over your clothes. You can still get trampled and stomped if you aren't paying attention, but other than that, the orcs ignore you. Please add "Temporary Blinding" to the settlement claim. As far as I am concerned, Gandalf was a bit heavy handed with the "Blinding Flash".

As long as you're adding to the tally, please add an amount for "Scorching and Singeing". My fingers have only just regrown the skin lost tossing flaming pine cones at Wargs. I will admit "Soaring with Eagles" was pretty cool. You can deduct the cost of that chapter from my claim. So worth it.

"Visit with Beorn" gets so so marks. The bread and honey were to die for, but the furniture was a pain in the butt. I would think if this is a regular stop, they could make some reasonable accommodations! An entire evening with one's legs dangling into space with no back support gets mighty uncomfortable, let me tell you! The appropriately sized beds were very welcome, and the scenery was certainly picturesque! Beorn was a most gracious host.

Now we get to one of the major points in my lawsuit. "Menacing Mirkwood" would never be in any itinerary of mine and yet I was forced to participate. No way to hide at the edges on this one. Although I could appreciate the forced weight loss from near starvation if I signed up for it, I DID NOT SIGN UP FOR IT! And don't get me started on carrying Bombur. I absolutely refused to help with that silly lard ass, but Thorin did make me carry some of the extra baggage of the ones who _were_ carrying him. Had I been a customer with verified standing, that would not have happened, let me tell you! Instead Thorin called me (and I quote) 'a lazy whiner who needs to get her act together.' Probably true, but I did NOT volunteer for this!

So after half starving to death, this stupid Transition made me go through "Spinning with Spiders". Now, you know me, I have never had a fear of spiders. I would go out of my way to preserve them in my house, figuring they are eating other things I would just as soon not know about. Well, let me tell you, not anymore! I will be squishing and squashing any and all eight legged intruders from now on! "Development of Arachnophobia" should be good for a few million at least! I took pictures during the attack and the sticky aftermath. No jury will be unmoved by my suffering.

How much do you think I can get for having to live through "Torment with Thranduil" and "Bobbing in Barrels"? Again, I would never have added either one of these to my itinerary. Weeks in a prison cell? For what purpose? Talking with Elves? I did that in Rivendell! The barrels wouldn't have been too bad if it hadn't taken two freaking days in late fall. I am only just now getting warm!

"Life in Lake-town" will not be contributing to the settlement. I actually thought it was rather pretty. The Master was a bit of a pig, but that was expected. I was relieved to see that "Bedtime with Bard" somehow got deleted from the list. It would have driven Thorin a bit batty, I think.

I made it through "Trekking the Tundra", a very cold, boring segment. Who in their right mind ever paid for that? I suppose the UberGeek who has to see everything might fall for it. "Sitting at the Doorstep" was a little better, and more attractive than "Tundra". After that, things really heated up, literally. Fortunately for Tolkien Fantasy Adventures, the "raise safety level" worked for once. I still had to go with Bilbo to see Smaug, but the flames were only warm, not burning hot! I must say, "Smoked by Smaug" would be worth spending a few pennies on! The dragon is fabulous and the suspense (even knowing the ending) made my heart pound.

"Wallowing in Wealth" was equally amazing. Do you think TFA would be open to an exchange? I skimmed some wonderful jewels out of the dragon hoard, and Thorin (we have gotten quite close) gave me some personally. We could trade: I don't sue their fannies off, they let me keep the swag. Just a thought.

Anyway, I digress. "Breakfast with Roac" was not worth the hike, but talking with a bird was somewhat entertaining. I think some editing could take place here. Hike out, freeze, talk to bird, hike back.

I have not liked any of the latest stuff. I always thought the book started to fall apart here, and I was right. Old Goody Two Shoes Bilbo sold out Thorin. Oh, I know, he got crazed by gold and turned even meaner, but giving the competition the Arkenstone? I would have done it differently. Anyway, water under the bridge. Can't go back. Yet, anyway.

Right now I am in the midst of "Waiting for All Hell to Break Loose". Not an official chapter, it's just what I am calling it. I am behind the dwarf barricade with Thorin & Co. I thought I would finish this in case my plan goes awry. I know I signed a non interference clause, but that was for "Hobbit Holiday". As for "Battle of the Five Armies", I think TFA will just have to fix it if my actions cause trouble. After all, I never got any of the "if you do that, we'll get you" briefings.

I always thought JRR jumped the shark by slaughtering not just Thorin but Fili and Kili, too. And in what, something like six paragraphs? Two for the battle, four to say good bye and Fili and Kili get two sentences? Are you kidding me? He spent how many pages on those freaking spiders! If I have any say in the matter, things are going to be a little different this time around! Dain does NOT deserve it. He refused to help and ends up with EVERYTHING? I don't think so! My 'TFA Upgraded Survival Kit' still has a fully charged "Orc Eradicator", the "Orc Repellent Shield" isn't too badly torn, and the 'lightweight Elven Blade' rocks!

So, dear Algernon, Elmyra is heading off to save her dwarves! I doubt you will ever actually receive this missive, but now that I reread what I have written, I've changed my mind. Don't send out a rescue party, don't sue TFA (unless they come looking for me and try to drag me back!) I actually think I'm beginning to like it here.

Love,

Auntie Elmyra

To: Amanda

From: Algernon

RE: Holy Cow, look what they found!

Hey, Mandy,

The recovery team from Erebor hit pay dirt. As you may remember, we sent a team disguised as 'historians' to the mountain last year when Elmyra's letter was discovered. They have been digging through the record room ever since. Yesterday they found the attached doc mislabeled (maybe on purpose?) in a book by Bifur of all people. It is obviously written by Auntie Elmyra. I doubt it is the original. She or someone else must have transcribed it from something else.

Anyway, it's fabulous to read, but again FOR YOUR EYES ONLY.

Sincerely,

Algernon

Trip Log #15: "Hobbit Holiday" June 21-June 28, 2137

By Elmyra Pundur

I am so excited! I just got back from booking my "Hobbit Holiday" with Tolkien Fantasy Adventures (TFA)! I never dreamed I could be so daring. Since I am turning fifty this year, I wanted to do something completely different. I was thinking South Pacific or the Antarctic when Anne said I should try one of the Transition Book tours.

I've heard of them, of course, who hasn't? They debuted about 7 years ago and have gotten rave reviews ever since. Some people think Transitioning is only a mind thing and that your body stays home. Nope, it sends you lock, stock and barrel. Plus a small bag is allowed. I still don't understand how it works but that's technology. Nobody ever understood television either. Anyway, when I realized it was the bicentennial of "The Hobbit", I really wanted to try it.

TFA comes highly rated and is the top of the line. I stopped in one of their Transition shops today to get an overview of the whole process. The salesman, Blix or Boris something, was ever so nice. He explained that all I had to do was pick what part of the book I wanted to experience, decide how long to stay, pay the bill and that was it. I didn't let him off that easily, of course. I asked a million questions about safety, satisfaction, problems experienced, etc. My usual obsessive pre travel research.

I give him credit, he knew his stuff. At the end of the day, I booked one week in Hobbiton. I get to meet Bilbo, see Gandalf arrive, watch the dwarves slowly gather at Bag End and then attend the dwarf dinner! Before that, I get to hike as much as I want in Hobbiton and the surrounding area. An evening at the Green Dragon is included and I added an excursion to the South Farthing to learn about pipe weed.

Boris or Blix showed me how the Transition Device works. It really _is_ simple. TFA loads your adventure, and when you're ready, you hit the 'Transition' button. The next time you fall asleep, off to Hobbiton you go. You will automatically return on the final day. I asked what happened if I wasn't asleep. He strongly recommended that I ensure I am. Trying to stay longer by not sleeping makes for an ugly return. People have tried it and lived to regret it. Lots of nausea and headache, he said. They even provide sleeping pills in case you're having trouble getting to sleep. How thoughtful! When it's time, a big green 'Home' button lights up to give you warning.

I attended an orientation session where they explained the 'Abort' and 'Safety Settings' buttons. I won't need those in Hobbiton, obviously, but every Transitioner has to go through the session. I also signed a non-interference agreement. Basically, it says I won't try to change the story line. It's supposed to be pretty hard to do, but they have had issues on occasion with some later parts of the book. They said if they detected any changes, whoever was responsible would be in big trouble. Why would anyone want to mess with a classic?

That salesman Blix is pretty good. He got me to spring for the TFA 'Survival Kit: Upgraded Version'. When I asked why on earth I would need that, he pointed out that I wouldn't (very honest) but that there was a sale on and it would make a very nice souvenir. And since it's a backpack, I could use it on my hikes. Oh, alright, you only turn 50 once! Sold!

I spent the rest of the day spending more money. I got the newest version of EverCleanClothes to take along. Super sweet. Dirt mostly falls off, but if it doesn't you just brush it off. In extreme cases, you take it off and shake it out. It keeps you warm or cool based on the weather, and it will even change colors depending on how you fasten it! Luggage? Who needs luggage! A good supply of toiletries in my trusty survival kit and I'm ready. I have set my departure time for 11 PM tomorrow night.

…

'Hobbit Holiday'

Entry #1

Wow that TFA knows what they're doing. I'm in Hobbiton! I went to sleep last night in my own bed and woke up this morning in Miss Primula's Bed & Breakfast. Nice, cozy room. Breakfast and second breakfast were delightful. I'm going to have to be careful or I will end up 30 pounds heavier. Right now, I'm standing on the Bywater Bridge watching some hobbits walk to the market. I'm heading over there shortly. The rest of the day will be a hike and more food!

#2

I've been really bad about keeping up this journal. Here it is my last day and only my second entry. I've just been so busy. Hobbits really treat you as one of their own. I can't count the number of homes I've visited. I had company on all my hikes and just loved the South Farthing. I wonder if TFA has ever considered a retirement Transition? I would certainly be interested!

Today was the arrival of Gandalf. The hobbits seemed to realize this, and I was alone when the big event occurred. I sat in Bilbo's garden and saw everything. After a farewell dinner at Primula's, I came back to watch the dwarves arrive. Just like in the book, they came in twos and threes. I won't go into a lot of detail since I took tons of images. TFA sorts through them and deletes anything they don't approve of, but I think I followed the rules for the most part.

That dinner was chaos! How Bilbo was ever convinced to join them is beyond me. Rude, loud, boorish, obnoxious. You just can't believe it until you see it. I loved it! The music and singing were magnificent. Dwarves (at least this rowdy gang) have really good voices. Thorin plays a mean harp.

Unfortunately for me, my green 'Home' button lit up as everyone was settling in for the night. I am just jotting these notes down and then I will take my pill. When I wake up tomorrow, I will add all the things in that I should have written down during the week. What a trip this has been! I might have to see what else TFA is offering! Nighty, night.

…..

#3

I barely have the strength to write this, but it has to be done. I DID NOT TRANSITION! When I woke this morning, was I lying peacefully in my bed, remembering a great vacation? NOOOOO, I woke up on the back of a smelly pony. To make matters worse, I proceeded to vomit all over the poor (now even smellier) beast. Nausea, Boris the salesman said. Nausea times ten I say! I have never been so sick in my life.

The dwarves just laughed at me and Dwalin said I shouldn't have gotten so drunk. That would be true, if I had had anything alcoholic to drink! But I followed the rules. No booze before Transition. If I wanted to drink with the dwarves, I would have paid for an extension. I didn't do either one!

I hauled out the Transition Device. Instead of a comforting green 'Home' button, the screen showed "Riding the Ponies" and a whole list of other "adventures" I have no intention of participating in! "Troubled by Trolls", "Orc Orgy"? You've _got_ to be kidding me!

I have tried the "Abort" button. It seems to be malfunctioning. I will not panic. Repeat that ten times. It might work.

#4

Okay, I panicked. I'm much better now. Balin had to slap me a few times, but I'm good. I promise. Mostly. I made it through the Troll bit by hiding in the bushes. I wasn't made for adventure. That's why I chose "Hobbit Holiday". I did get a neat souvenir though. Thorin felt kind of bad about the slapping, so he gave me a cool sword from the hoard. He says it's nice and lightweight, only about three pounds and should be easy to use. I do NOT intend to be here long enough to test these theories! The device still refuses to "Abort" or take me "Home". Something called "Running, Running, Running" is now on the menu. Not sure I want to know what that means….

#5

"RRR" means just what it sounds like. I spent half the day running my ass off, holding that damn "lightweight" sword! Lightweight for five minutes, maybe. This should have been called "Yelling, Yelling, Yelling". I am now fluent in dwarven profanity. Thorin and (surprisingly) Dori were quite vocal all day long. I did my best, honest. I'm a little out of shape, I know, but that's no excuse for all the yelling.

I am really peeved about the food. It was so good in Hobbiton. I know they talked about how bad cram was in the book, but I always thought that food cooked on an open fire would be tasty. NOT. I am keeping track of all this for a lawsuit. Constant heart burn. This stuff is just foul. Too bad it's not f-o-w-l. I could use some chicken.

Anyway, despite me dragging everybody down (even tubby Bilbo outran me) we escaped the orcs and made it to Rivendell. Something called "Night with an Elf" is next on the screen. That could get interesting….

#6

On the off chance this journal has to be entered into court evidence, I will not go into detail. However, "NWAE"? Vavavoom! Tall, dark and handsome and quite skilled, I must say. The dwarves appear to be a bit jealous…or that might be my imagination.

I am quite concerned that I am going to be stuck in this book for a very long time. The "Abort" button has actually disappeared and a long list of "adventures" keeps showing up. They vary by time of day, so preplanning is difficult. Major lawsuit if I ever do get back. I intend to thoroughly document everything inflicted upon my person.

I have begun a letter to Algernon, telling him the terrible thing TFA has done to me. I intend to update it until I am rescued. When I have enough 'evidence' for my lawsuit, I shall send it off to him as the initial volley in my war against TFA!

#7

"Weekend at Rivendell" even without "NWAE" is fabulous. Good singing, fine food, Elrond's reading of the map. I wouldn't have missed any of it. If only I could go home now, I would let the whole lawsuit idea drop. Unfortunately, "Rocking with Stone Giants" and "Whips and Chains with the Great Goblin" are up next. I am grateful "Orc Orgy" has not reappeared….Does anyone ever pay for that? Pervert.

I spent part of the day examining the 'Tolkien Fantasy Adventure Survival Kit: Upgraded Version'. There is a ray of hope, anyway. I found an "Orc Repellent Shield" that I put right on top for easy access. You just throw it over your clothes and you're good to go. According to the package, I can still get trampled to death if I don't get out of the way, but otherwise, they should ignore me. Well, Yay.

#8

I tried to stay in Rivendell, figuring it was as good a place as any to wait for TFA to retrieve me. Elrond didn't seem to mind, but the dwarves sure did. Whether it was because they hate the elves so much or because the program demands it, I am on the road again. Dwalin told me to get my butt in gear or he would drag me along by my hair. Needless to say, that is going in the complaint!

Let's just say it's a good thing I got the EverCleanClothes, deluxe edition. Otherwise, the dwarves would have had to put up with a very smelly traveling companion. Not much has ever scared the crap out of me, but the Stone Giants? You bet, big time. Not so much the giants, but the path we had to walk. My fingers are still white and Bofur has bruises on his arms from my grip. He said he understood, but really I think he is a little put off by my neediness. Like I care.

The "Abort" button reappeared, but none of the hundred pushes worked, obviously. Bofur was just grateful I occasionally let him go.

At least I wasn't Bilbo who almost fell into the abyss. Thorin was kind of mean to him, I thought. It wasn't_ his_ fault he isn't strong enough to pull himself back up. I wouldn't have even been able to hang on in the first place. I'm thinking the dwarves would have been kind of pleased by that….

For now we are nice and dry in this cave at the top of the pass. Good thing I know the story or I wouldn't be wearing my "Orc Repellent Shield". I was tempted to say something to Thorin about the danger, but I doubt he would have listened. My standing is even lower than Bilbo's right now. Besides, after his yelling at me during "RRR" and at poor Bilbo, he deserves what's coming.

#9

TFA salesman Boris or Blix?, thank you very much for your sales abilities. Without the "Orc Repellent Shield" I would be a goner. I did do a little whacking and stabbing with my 'lightweight (not) Elven Blade', but I really should learn a few practical moves with it. Maybe later. It was all I could do to avoid the trampling. At the end, I made Nori and Bifur take turns giving me piggy back rides. For some reason, they didn't appreciate this. Hey, dudes, I'm the customer and I'm always right, right?

Bilbo went off as he is supposed to. I assume he has the ring now. The rest of us managed to "run, run, run" through the goblin realm. Good thing the "Orc Repellent Shield" wasn't picky about Tolkien's name change. It worked fine with goblins, too.

Oh, and my eyesight has mostly returned to normal, thank you very much! TFA needs to have Gandalf tone things down a bit.

I have to hand it to the dwarves, they know how to do some major killing when they need to. Even though the book says they don't have any weapons other than Thorin and Gandalf's swords, apparently TFA has done some editing, and everyone has been fully armed the whole time I've been with them. Today they put them to full use. I hope to never see another beheading in my life. EverClean Clothes are good at shedding blood, too, in case you were wondering.

#10

Wargs, Eagles and Orcs, oh my. My fingers are burned from the pine cones, but the eagle ride was magnificent. If I ever get home, I might come back just for that.

#11

Beorn's house. What I wouldn't give for a backrest. The furniture is too tall and I am tired of my legs dangling off the edge. Last night, "In the Company of Dwarves" (COD) appeared again in the list. After "Night With an Elf", I was a bit concerned. Surprisingly, it was Ori who showed up. His knees were quaking, poor guy. He told me all the dwarves had to do it starting with the youngest and he wasn't happy. I can hardly blame him. Being pimped out repeatedly to a bunch of horny old (and young) ladies must get old. I cut him some slack and we played cards all night long. The rest of them might not be so lucky, depending on my mood…

#12

Fili and Kili are pigs. They were the next up in "COD". They showed up together and assumed I would be fine with that. Acted all insulted when I said a threesome was _not_ on the agenda. They said some really mean things. When they get whacked at the end, I will _not_ be shedding as many tears as I expected. As revenge, I made them listen to me sing old campfire songs from my childhood. I am not a good singer and the songs are really bad. In the end, they begged me to stop. Did I? Of course not.

After a few days rest and a few more dwarves, we said goodbye to Beorn today. I will miss the bread and honey. My hips won't, but I will. I will also miss the nice soft bed.

I noticed "In the Company of Dwarves" is in the 'pending' list. Other than the two pigs, they have been very sweet evenings with the company: Dwalin was a big old Teddy Bear when it was his turn. We exchanged fairy tales. Gloin told me all about his family.

#13

I am so going to file that lawsuit as soon as possible. I kept thinking that a TFA retrieval team would eventually show up. They stressed over and over how safe their adventures were and that if anything did go wrong, they were fully prepared to assist the client. Bite me. They lied.

Gandalf has abandoned us as per the book. We are on our own.

We have been in Mirkwood for days now. "Menacing Mirkwood" the screen says. "Starve You to Death" is what it should say. I will stop griping about dwarf chow if we ever get out of this, I promise. I know how the book goes, but I begin to doubt. After all, TFA must know by now that they have made a big mistake. Perhaps this is their way of disposing of me. Ha! I will not go quietly! Just ask the dwarves. They seem to think I never shut up.

Of course, the dwarves are now hauling Bombur's big butt because he fell in the stupid river. Thorin is being mean and making me carry stuff for the dwarves who are hauling ol' lard ass. Does he have to call me a whiner? I am one, but does he have to say it? After all, they should be seeing to _my_ needs. I'm the customer!

Before Bombur fell asleep, we had a really nice "COD" session. I now have a ton of new recipes to try if I ever have the chance to cook again.

#14

I will never spare the life of another spider, ever again, I swear. Since I have not eaten anything much for several days, there was no repeat of "Rocking with Stone Giants", but only because my bowels are empty. "Spinning with Spiders"? What kind of name is that? It makes it sound like one of those retro exercise classes that were revived a few years back. I didn't like those either. "Slaughtered by Spiders" or "Woven in Webs" might be better titles and that would still be an understatement. This is _so_ going in the letter to Algie!

Once again, thank goodness for Bilbo. I know it's how the book goes, but I do fear one of these days the whole system will break down at a crucial moment.

Part of my lawsuit is going to be "gummed up my hair". I can forgive a lot of things, but this bordered on criminal. And it hurt when Dori combed it out. He's been quite attentive since Beorn's. I think I could grow to like him if necessary….

First half^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^?

#15

Finally, a chance to rest and eat! Ok, it's in a prison cell, but that's alright for now.

#16

Did I mention that my roomie is Thorin? Apparently Thranduil is in a cost cutting phase and doubled up all the prisoners. I guess they thought I would be safer with the 'senior leader' than any of the rest of the rabble. I didn't really complain. Thorin and I have our issues, but arguing is good for the soul. And it passes the time. I still don't know why the whole 'fall into the Elven dinner and get taken prisoner was MY fault'. The book says it has to happen, I just did it on the first take instead of wasting time on three attempts. Jeesh.

He has been telling me about dwarves. How can so much bad stuff happen to one race? No wonder Thorin is so grumpy all the time. I'm grumpy all the time and don't have any real excuses!

I think I am going to try to cheer him up, at least a little. The poor guy really has had an unlucky life.

This segment is aptly showing as "Tenantsof Thranduil".

#17

Oops. "In the Company of Dwarves" has resurfaced. Looks like it's Thorin's turn. This could be interesting, very interesting.

**A/N: If you are like me, you hate when a story doesn't get updated and/or finished. Never fear, part two (then end) will be posted some time this week. **


	2. Chapter 2

We rejoin Elmyra after another night "In the Company of Dwarves.."...

#18

Really? You're expecting me to tell you **everything** I do on my vacation? Maybe someday. Let's just say Thorin and I are much better friends than we were before. Much better. _And_ I think I cheered him up!

I guess the whole Dori thing isn't going to happen. I don't see Thorin as someone who would want to share. He calls me 'His Cat' now. Something to do with my name and Khuzdul.

Poor Bilbo got quite a shock and an education when he stopped to visit….The Elves really should have doors that offer more privacy, just sayin'. Me-ow.

#19

I take back all the nice things I said about that insufferable dwarf. He's driving me crazy. Of course, the fact that we have been stuck in this tiny cell for a few weeks has been quite a test of our friendship. Don't get me wrong, I still love the guy, I just want to kill him. He feels the same, by the way. About killing me. Or maybe he would be happier if I killed him? I'll think about it.

The other dwarves quartered anywhere nearby have grown tired of the yelling. Really, I think the guards should have figured out by now that shouting at us doesn't help.

#20

At last, freedom. Yet another claim to file against TFA. I will never be warm again. Who sends tourists down an icy river in late fall _for two days!_ Edit, people, edit. Fifteen minutes would have been _more _than enough! At least I had a semi dry barrel. I don't know how Bilbo managed with nothing between him and the water.

My Thorin was not a happy camper about getting stuffed in a barrel. Once I explained to him that he would be all alone and it would be mostly silent, he came around quickly. Should I be insulted? Probably.

Bombur survived, but he is looking a bit pale. However, his appetite hasn't suffered.

Funny thing, even though Thorin and the other dwarves lost all of their weapons to Thranduil, my 'lightweight Elven Blade' just happened to be in the Barrel Room when we escaped. Maybe some kind of TFA failsafe? I can't quite figure it out. Anyway, I gave it to Thorin as a peace offering. After all, he actually knows how to use the thing. We are friends again. He hated being without a sword.

We are in Lake Town, being feted by the residents. If they only knew what was coming.

Hey, I wonder if I _could_ change stuff? You know violate the 'noninterference' agreement that I didn't sign for these chapters? Why has it taken me so long to think of that? I bet that would get TFA's attention. After all, I never saw anywhere in the book where Thorin got lucky in prison.

#21

Crap. I have been in Lake-town for a few days. Since the dwarves are busy elsewhere, I have been rereading my journal entries. It has been quite a wakeup call. I am a witch, with a 'B'. I have constantly whined and complained. Moaned about the conditions, the food, the accommodations or lack thereof. It's a wonder the dwarves didn't abandon me somewhere along the way and just forgotten I exist. Or killed me outright. Kudos to their restraint. _I_ wouldn't have been so nice to me. What an idiot. Crap. I promise to try and be a better traveling companion.

#22

Well, that was a big surprise, I must say. An amazing one. During my trip review, I was shedding a few tears when Thorin knocked on the door. I tried to make myself a bit more presentable and opened the door. I give the dwarf credit, he is _not_ easy to fool. He knew right away that something was wrong. After I had explained, I asked him if he knew I was a shrew and an ungrateful witch. He just smiled and said (and I quote) "Of course I know. That's why I love you."

Say what? I stared at him. He continued to smile. I asked him if he said what I thought he said. I quote again, he said "I know you are a shrew, and that's why I love you."

I've always read in books where characters gulp. I gulped. "You _love_ me? Really? How did that happen?"

He told me that he found me one of the more fascinating females he had ever come across. Even though I had suffered hardships and poor conditions, I had never given up. (He didn't realize that I _had_ tried to give up, the damn Device wouldn't let me. I refrained from educating him further on this matter…) He added that I had never let being a prisoner get to me and that I had gone out of my way to make his time pleasurable. AHA! 'The Company of Dwarves' worked in MY favor!

This is most definitely a change in the plot. Could more be possible?

#23

I will not go into details (maybe some other time?), but Thorin and I had a spectacular day together. In my room, alone, just the two of us. Suffice it to say, I now know what all his scars look like and how he got them. (It was always too dark in the cell…). I even managed to forget that in a few weeks he will be dead, dead, dead. I waited to cry until he left on an errand. Stupid Tolkien. Stupid book. Stupid TFA.

#24

Thorin has acknowledged our relationship to the company. Fili and Kili are really ticked off. If they think I am going to breed a new heir, sorry, those days are done. I think they are still jealous that I wouldn't _play_ with them back at Beorn's. And then sang for them. Sorry boys, I like my dwarves more mature. None of the others seem to care. Probably relieved, because "In the Company of Dwarves" keeps popping up on the Device. Are all TFA adventures potential little sex journeys? Oh well, Thorin is more than willing.

#25

"Trekking the Tundra" is a real snooze fest. I am struggling to keep my promise to not whine and complain. I think it is freaking out the dwarves. Oin keeps taking my temperature to see if I am sick and Nori gave me a pin he stole in Lake-town to "cheer me up". I think Dwalin is watching me closely for signs of insanity. I am really starting to like these guys. Bombur even shared some of his food with me!

On a review note, this section could be a tad shorter. Nothing happens and it's boring. Are you listening, TFA?

#26

We have finally made it into the tunnel. "Durin's Day on the Doorstep" was actually a nice little chapter. The way the last light revealed the keyhole, how excited everyone was to see the door open, no orcs or battles. A nice change of pace.

On an odd note, the Elven Blade keeps showing up in my bedroll at night. Thorin swears he is not putting it there, and I certainly am not stealing it back. Could this be something built into the Device? Some other failsafe of TFA's? Anyway, I just give it back to Thorin every morning. I know he won't need it, and it makes me look 'kind and benevolent' (kidding). _And_ I don't have to carry the 'lightweight Elven Blade'. I am so lazy….

#27

Amazing! That dragon is very impressive. We just paid the first visit to Smaug. I tried yet again to break the story line. When Bilbo and I (yes, I had to go) went to experience "Dragon Gazing", I tripped him just as he was sneaking in to see the dragon. It made a terrible racket when he fell down into all that gold. Nothing, zip, zilch, nada. Smaug just snored on. I humbly apologized to Bilbo for my clumsiness, but he is keeping an eye on me now. Oh well, nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Bilbo snitched the gold cup and we are hiding in the tunnel from Smaug's wrath. Poor ponies.

#28

Pretty sure TFA puts some sort of block on guests. When Bilbo and I went down the tunnel for "Smoked by Smaug", I got positively reckless. While Bilbo chatted up the dragon, I left the tunnel and started to walk over the gold. Don't think I got brave, the Device safety settings were set to "Not a Scratch". Why do I trust it? Lawsuit, lawsuit, lawsuit. If TFA got anything right, I am betting on safety around the dragon. Regardless, nothing happened. The worm ignored me no matter what I did. Damn. Back to square one.

Poor Bilbo on the other hand got a nice scorching when he got sassy with Smaug at the end of the meet and greet. The dwarves kind of wondered how I got so lucky and remained untouched, but I just said I ran faster. Given my known cowardly tendencies, it wasn't a hard sell.

#29

TFA got this part edited at least. We only sat in the dark for a few hours before the dwarves got the courage to enter the dragon's lair. In the book it says "days and days". Thankfully, it was only hours, hours, hours and "Wallowing in Wealth" was worth it!

Once the torches were lit, I saw the most amazing things. Jewels beyond count and an ocean of gold. The dwarves were beside themselves with joy. Thorin kept looking for the Arkenstone, of course, but he also showed me treasures he remembered from the past.

One was a beautiful _mithril_ necklace that looked like a series of vines decorated with all sorts of jewels. When he handed it to me, it weighed a ton because of all the gems. I told him I could never wear anything so heavy. He took it back and made me turn around so he could put it on me. "Ancient Dwarven necklaces were made with a lost art. No matter how heavy, the wearer never noticed the weight. The most famous one was called the Nauglamir. It held a Silmaril and caused a lot of the trouble between elves and dwarves. This one is from about the same time period." He was right about the necklace. The thing was light as a feather once he put it on me. Amazing. I wonder if it would Transition with me? This whole disaster would be worth it if it does.

I watched as Bilbo wandered out to the far reaches and scooped up the Arkenstone. I wanted to yell at him, but I knew it wouldn't matter.

#30

Amazing wealth gets boring after awhile, did you know that? Bilbo and I sat and watched the dwarves explore the gold long after we both grew tired of it. Thorin gave him the _mithril_ coat. It is truly beautiful. I like my necklace better, but the coat is probably more useful. I scooped up a few 'extra' jewels. I doubt I will be able to keep them, but they are pretty to look at. Thorin keeps bringing me pretty things he thinks I will like. Good thing I have room in the "TFA Upgraded Version Survival Kit".

The dwarves reluctantly decided to move out. Great, more hiking, hiking, hiking. Will try not to whine, whine, whine.

#31

If I am ever retrieved by TFA, I will have few words about "Breakfast with Roac". Seriously? We hiked FIVE hours to the watch tower, froze overnight, chatted up the bird the next morning and then hiked another FIVE hours back?! Why couldn't the blasted bird show up outside the Front Gate? Edit, people, edit! My lips are still bleeding from biting back all the profanity. Bifur gave me a thumbs up for my 'exhibition of restraint'. When "COD" popped up during the return trip, he taught me how to curse in Khuzdul.

Thorin began to show his greedy colors with the raven. I kind of hoped he wouldn't, but it is inevitable at this point. He sent for Dain and stated his intention to keep all the gold. I really wish TFA would come and get me. I don't want to be here at the end.

#32

The dwarves outfitted themselves in weapons and armor in the treasury so Thorin returned the' lightweight Elven Blade' to me. It kept coming back anyway. Now I am having Dwalin show me a few basics. I will probably never use it, but as a precaution I should know something I suppose. Thrust and parry, thrust and parry.

#32A

Dwalin will never do _that _again. I added to his scar collection with a badly aimed 'thrust and parry'. Who's next? Bofur? Balin? Nori? Oin? You haven't done your "COD" stint yet. No? Cowards.

I keep checking the Device, hoping it will show "Home" someday. I don't want to leave Thorin, but I also don't want to watch him die. My newest theory is that when the stupid book runs its course, I will be Transitioned. I mean, what else am I going to do? Live in Erebor with Dain? I will jump off of the mountain before I do that. Go back to the Shire with Bilbo? Living in the Shire wouldn't be so bad, but I would rather go home. I guess.

I am doing my best to make Thorin's last days enjoyable. It breaks my heart, but he appreciates my efforts.

#33

It was a beautiful sunny day. I took the "TFA Upgraded Version Survival Kit" out into the sunlight to really give it a going over. I still have the sleeping pills (unfortunately not enough to off myself), a good supply of emergency food tabs, the "Orc Repellent Shield", my own toiletries (running dangerously low. I started rationing after Rivendell. Thank goodness I am an overpacker), the jewels I snared and Thorin's necklace.

After I took absolutely everything out, I noticed a tab at the bottom I had not seen before. When I pulled on it, the whole bottom came out. You will not believe what was underneath! I think this whole disaster is related to this godforsaken bag. Thanks Boris or Blix! It looks like it was intended for a guide or inspector of some sort, and I got it by mistake. Under the panel was a PAPER booklet with confidential instructions. I haven't seen anything like that outside of a museum! Next to it was yet another Device labeled "Orc Eradicator". The booklet gave strict instructions on the conditions it was to be used in. I quote: "This is to be used only in cases of extreme danger to life and limb of the Operator/Guide and only after all other means of escape have been attempted and have failed. Misuse is punishable to the fullest extent of the law." OOH, I am _so_ afraid.

Things are looking up, if you know what I mean.

#34

The dwarves are building the wall across the front gate. I have been stealing the Arkenstone from Bilbo every day. Of course it goes right back to him just as the sword did, but if it makes him a little nervous, why should I care? Besides, I don't have anything better to do.

I finished the letter to Algernon. It doesn't make a lot of sense anymore, so many things about me and my attitude towards the dwarves have changed since I first started writing it. I didn't bother to change it. I doubt anyone will ever see it anyway.

Dori is very good with hair in case you were wondering. He showed me all the neat braids he can do. I have one on either side of my face now, just like Thorin. Now he's giving me lessons. Perhaps I can have a new career if I am stuck here for the rest of my days.

#35

The elves and men are here. Thorin is in a rage over their demands. Everyone has tried to talk some sense into him, but the dragon sickness has really taken hold. I have refrained from joining in because I want him to see me as an ally, not a nag. Either I will be able to save him, or he will go to his grave thinking the best of me.

Tonight is the night Bilbo will betray Thorin. I will try to stop him and it won't work, but I have to make the attempt. Time grows very short.

….

I was right. I tried tackling Bilbo as he headed out the opening in the gate. For a little runt, he is really very strong. Once I had him on the ground, I stole the Arkenstone. AGAIN. Put it in my pocket. AGAIN. The next thing I knew, the rat was up the wall and gone. With the stone that was no longer in my pocket. AGAIN. Damn and blast. Stupid TFA! Stupid Book. Stupid little hobbit.

#36

If I thought my dear dwarf was angry before, I was wrong. When he found out the elves have the Arkenstone, he was ready to kill the hobbit. The other dwarves were the only reason Bilbo lives. His anger was more terrible then in the book. My ears are still burning from the language Thorin used. Once Bilbo was gone, we managed to calm him a bit, but he is still in a rage.

#37

I used all my 'womanly charms' to finally calm Thorin down. I am almost ashamed to admit that I resorted to tears. They were by no means false. Right now knowing he will be dead if nothing changes, it is very easy to cry. When he heard me sobbing he came over and sat down with me.

When he was calm enough, I told him everything. I showed him the Device and tried to explain what it was and that he was actually part of a book. I sounded crazy I know. Would you believe me if you were him? I told him that the rat Tolkien had killed him off in a matter of a few words after spending pages and pages on other, more trivial things. I even let him read excerpts from the book. When he read the five pages (FIVE PAGES!) about the Battle, I thought my heart would break. He just shook his head and said, "Fili and Kili, too?" I hadn't really intended to tell him that part, but he paged ahead.

I let him read his death scene with Bilbo. He started to get angry again when he remembered the hobbit's actions but reading his own words calmed him down. After that, he just leaned back against the wall and said, "Hmph."

I felt really bad for him. All his life he has waited for this moment only to find out it will be taken away and given to Dain who deliberately chose not to help him. I never have followed Tolkien's thinking here. Yeah, Thorin is a greedy bastard at the moment, but would Dain have acted differently? AND he is an almost unmentioned character who swoops in at the last minute and gets the whole shebang? Seriously? Blood boiling in case you haven't figured that out yet. Stupid book. Stupid ending. Stupid Dain.

I saved the best for last. I hauled out the "Orc Eradicator" and showed it to him. I told him I thought this might actually make a difference. I think it might work outside the framework of the story because it is meant to save the life of a non character. Would it save a character? That remains to be seen. I am hoping that TFA counts on their inspectors/guides to be so indoctrinated that they would never contemplate doing what I am going to try.

For the first time, Thorin showed some hope. We sat and planned for the rest of the day. After the plan was set, we spent possibly our last hours together saying goodbye.

#38

Battle day. Last night Thorin took me back to the Treasury to see if he could find a small mail shirt for me. I told him about the "Orc Repellent Shield", but he wanted to double up on the protection. No _mithril _this time, but he did find a shirt that he thought might have been made for a young dwarf. It almost fits. I only trip on it every eight steps or so. It's not too long for a short dwarf, but the width of the thing makes it long on me! He must have been quite broad in the beam.

Now if I can just find a battle where all I need to do is stand in one place. I do appreciate the thought. It is very kind of Thorin. He says if he survives he will make me his queen. Me? A queen? What is he thinking? Maybe the court jester.

#39

Here's my plan. I will run out with the dwarves doing my best not to trip, carrying my oh so 'lightweight Elven Blade'. I will watch the battle, stabbing any random orc who comes near me. I pray the "Orc Repellent Shield" still works. It does have few tears in it. Will the orcs detect my elbow and my knee? Thorin has promised to be a little more cautious than in the book, but as we all know, what you want and what happens are up for grabs in this little adventure. The Device gives no clue. Right now it is showing "Mayhem" as the next event. All else remains blank…

The battle is supposed to rage for most of the day, but I suspect TFA will have shortened it up a bit. Anyway, I will wait until Thorin, the dwaves and I are on the small hill or surrounded. This is where all the bad things happen. Then before the bad things _do _happen, I will deploy the "Orc Eradicator". It has several settings all the way from "The Orc Next to You" up to "All Orcs in Sight". I will wait to choose which one I use based upon the moment.

The Company really is marvelous in their armor. You have not seen craftsmanship until you have seen fancy dwarven armor. Gold, silver and _mithril_, gems and engravings encrust every inch of their gear. I hope someday I will be able to see them in direct sunlight because even in the light of the torches they gleam beautifully. We go now to wait behind the wall for the charge of the Company.

#40

It worked! It worked! It worked! My Thorin lives! The battle is over and Thorin Oakenshield lives!

#41

It has been a whole day since the battle ended. I have been holding my breath the whole time waiting for the damn book to correct the situation and kill Thorin off. IT HASN'T HAPPENED! We have celebrated the victory, Dain has congratulated Thorin on his success and the Elves and Men have been promised a share of the spoils. Thorin is so glad to be alive he would have given all the gold in Erebor to Thranduil if the elf had thought to ask. (I wouldn't have let him do it, of course. He would have come to his senses eventually.)

I may as well jot down a few details. The battle went as planned. The dwarves raced out of the mountain before things got too ugly and Thorin made sure he waited for some of Dain's folk and the others to reinforce him. I followed as closely as I dared. I didn't want to be in the way, but I also didn't want to out of the action. I also didn't want to trip anyone….

Why do people want to experience this? It was horrible. I didn't mind watching orcs killed. Not much anyway. I still can't get used to the blood splatter bit. But watching the dwarves, men and elves fall to the axes of the orcs? I'm sorry, but no. Only the chance of changing the end made me stay.

I was right, the battle went much more quickly than in the manuscript. After an hour or so, we saw Bolg and his bodyguard moving toward the Company. I closed the gap between myself and Thorin until we were shoulder to shoulder. He grinned happily at me and said he hadn't had so much fun in ages. Men! What is it with them and war?

Once Bolg was within twenty feet of the group, I saw no reason to wait. I took out the "Orc Eradicator" chose the "All Orcs Within One Quarter Mile" option and pushed "Deploy".

Can you say, "Wow"? A huge glow radiated out from the "Orc Eradicator" and any orc it touched dropped like a rock to the ground dead. No one else was affected in the least. The silence afterwards was stunning. Beorn raced up just in time to see what had happened and the Eagles floated overhead checking out the scene. Most importantly Thorin, Fili and Kili were all still on their feet unharmed. Okay, still not that fond of the latter two but happy to see them alive nonetheless.

I pulled out the Device and checked to see what the next event was. All it said was "Celebrate". I looked up the copy of "The Hobbit" and read the end of "The Clouds Burst". It's completely different! Read it for yourself. It says, "An unexplained glow enveloped the field and slew all the orcs." Blah Blah Blah stuff about everyone's amazement and then, "Thorin had regained his kingdom after his many trials." Do these changes only appear in my copy or in all copies everywhere? I don't care. As long as my little corner of the universe has a live Thorin, that's good enough for me.

#42

I have a hard decision to make. The story has changed, and the Device is a connection with my old world. TFA could come at any time and try to retrieve me. If I destroy it, it would be much harder for them to find me. I want to stay with Thorin but am I certain I want to let this last little bit of my old self disappear forever?

I have gotten paper and ink from Ori and I am racing to write down everything that I have put into the Device. My diary and the letter to Algernon. I hit the send button on the letter but I have no idea if he will ever get it. I kind of regret sending it off now, especially since it really doesn't make a lot sense. I kept writing it even after my feelings had changed. I know Algie will do the right thing, whatever that may be.

#43

Thorin and I went out into the battlefield this morning and smashed the Device. I wanted him there in case: A. I lost the courage to do it or B. The damn thing managed to Transition me at the last minute. He held onto me (I thought maybe I would be able to drag him back with me. I am growing a tad bit paranoid) while I used a nice hefty rock to smash it to smithereens. Very satisfying.

We have hidden the "Orc Eradicator" in the depths of the Treasury. You never know when you might need some other-world technology now do you?

We are now busy planning Thorin's coronation. He keeps insisting that I join him as his queen, and since I am here for the long haul I may as well go all out. I do like the jewels. And besides, weren't a lot of queens shrews? I've got that down to a science. Just ask the Company…

** 000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000**

March 24, 2138

To: Tolkien Fantasy Adventures

From: Biddlesmith & Monkberry, Attorneys at Law

RE: Ms. Elmyra Pundor Issue

Dear Sir or Madam,

As we all know, there has been a disruption in the story line of "The Hobbit", possibly due to the actions of our client, Ms. Elmyra Pundor. You recently filed suit against her and/or her estate for an undetermined amount. Our response is as follows:

Are you crazy? Your company, hereafter referred to as TFA, abandoned our client to an uncertain fate. With the extra chapters entered in her itinerary, she was most likely forced to participate in adventures in an unwilling manner that were above and beyond her skill levels which is a gross violation of TFA written policies. We could easily sue YOU for boo coo bucks.

We will concede that it appears she also willingly and happily participated in a number of low skill level events, namely "Night with an Elf" and "In the Company of Dwarves". We would be happy to deduct the cost of these chapters from any settlement offer.

What we propose is this: Ms. Elmyra Pundor has either successfully eluded TFA enforcement officials or been eliminated since no trace of her has been found. We certainly hope it is the former, but in the event she is confirmed deceased, we will most definitely pursue damages on her estate's behalf.

However, given the unbelievable popularity of the new ending for "The Hobbit" can't we just let sleeping dogs lie? Eighty percent of readers polled definitely prefer a living Thorin/Fili/Kili conclusion. This is as Tolkien should have done it the first time around in our opinion. Those who want it the other way are just orcs or relatives of Dain.

Also, the new Queen of Erebor seems to be gaining quite a following among the female demographic. Do you want to risk alienating this valuable customer base by restoring the book to its original form? Tolkien has always had a shortage of female characters, now somewhat remedied.

The fact that the Thorin's Queen's name is Almira is surely a coincidence and we hold our client innocent until proven guilty.

In conclusion, we ask that this matter either be forgotten entirely and swept under the rug, or at the least, wait until additional changes appear in "The Hobbit" which might require further actions from each party.

We await you response.

Sincerely,

Algernon Biddlesmith, Esq.

Amanda Monkberry, Esq.

** 00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000**

To: Biddlesmith and Monkberry, Attorneys at Law

From: Tolkien Fantasy Adventures

RE: Elmyra Pundur issue

Dear Sir and Madam

We have given your proposal thoughtful consideration. After careful research and additional polling on the matter, we have decided to ignore the actions of Ms. Pundur in changing the ending of "The Hobbit". You are correct that the female demographic has quite a fondness for Thorin even though he is now married.

With the discovery that we can open a new portal to an unsullied "Hobbit" storyline, the need for a restoration has been nullified. The "Keep It As Tolkien Wrote It" crowd has been mollified and Dain has dropped his lawsuit over the loss of Erebor.

Should Ms. Pundur ever resurface, we can always revisit these most unusual circumstances. Until then we can, to use your own words, let sleeping dogs lie.

Sincerely

Boris Kibbleston

President, Tolkien Fantasy Adventures

**And there you have it! The original version of **_**'The Reluctant Burglar'. **_** I must say it was a very long cold winter! I hope you enjoyed reading and I really like reviews! (Thanks again, Borys)**


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